I simply can’t believe that 2018 is totally over! It has been a very fast and yet felt very slow at times. I am actually quite happy it is over. 2018 was a VERY challenging year for me. It broke me in ways I never thought anything could. Total blocks, stereotypes, and pride basically vanished as I realized I needed help from others and it was not a bad thing. I faced having to go to the food bank for my food, taking out money from a 401K to live. I have been unemployed for the basically the last almost 3 yrs. Everyday there was a hope that my new job would appear cause you know it just had to get better and not worse. However, 2018 brought one month of work and a whole lot of depression. It brought out worry, anxiety, feelings of anger, jealousy, pity, disgust, despair, disillusionment, worthlessness, and lots of moments of hiding my head in the sand.
For in 2016 and 2017 I was too prideful, too in denial to go to the food bank, to ask for help from family or friends. I wouldn’t even go to the church next door to where I live to have a free monthly meal. My status has been hidden from many these last 2 yrs and for at least the first half of 2018. However, when a high school friend asked hey do you want to do something on Memorial Day Weekend. I said yes and I asked her if she would be able to drive me to the Foodbank the next Monday she had off. And she said yes. And so began bi-monthly trips to the Foodbank with my friend Sile and in the summer my high-school friend Angela joined us. They have been my rock this year…oh, and right now trying so hard not to let the tears spill over.
My son, Brandon, has been such a wonderful, wonderful help and support. Yet, it was tough in 2018 because he would talk more and more of being stressed at work, knowing he was the breadwinner and so couldn’t afford to get sick or leave his job. He has had to grow up fast in 2018. I won’t tell you his age because many of you may make judgments that aren’t fair until you have been in this position. And yes, this has weighed heavily on me too!
So, yes I have bills that can’t be paid until I get back on track. And no I am not lazy. I simply must choose (like many others do) what is most important. Do I pay a dept store bills (balances that were done pre-2016) or do I pay rent, electricity, water, my phone bill and my internet. Well, that is a no-brainer….and in order to search for a job you have to have access to the internet and a phone. So, I look at it this way…
2018 was a bone-crushing, slap up side the head year for me. Yet, there were some times of creativity every once in a while. But mostly, it was a year for me to begin to crawl out of the hole and begin to focus. It was the year I withdrew from many Facebook groups, even the one I currently created, Evolving Consciousness. I just didn’t have the energy to do live videos, I didn’t even have any ideas of what I wanted to talk about, I lost faith I guess you could say.
And so I am here to say GOODBYE & GOOD RIDDANCE 2018!!!